If you are wondering what to talk about on a first date, the short answer is this: start with light, open questions about things your date enjoys, then follow the thread of whatever they say. You do not need a script or clever lines. You need a few easy starters, real curiosity and the habit of asking one follow-up question before you move to a new topic. Below you will find 25 questions in three levels, a simple flow for the evening, what to leave for later and what to do when the conversation goes quiet.
In brief:
- Start light: the place, food, free time, small stories.
- Ask open questions, then one follow-up about what they just said.
- Share something about yourself too, so it feels like a chat, not an interview.
- Leave exes, money details and heated debates for later.
- A short silence is normal and does not mean the date is going badly.
In this article · 10 min read
- Why questions matter more than clever lines
- What to talk about on a first date: 25 questions in three levels
- How to follow up: five easy formulas
- A simple flow for the whole date
- What to leave for later
- When the conversation goes quiet
- Where our book fits
- When to ask for support
- Frequently asked questions
- Sources
A first date is, at heart, a conversation between two people who are still strangers, and research suggests that conversation is easier than most of us fear. In a series of experiments published in 2021, psychologists asked people to predict how awkward a chat with a stranger would be. Both shallow and deep conversations turned out to be less awkward and more enjoyable than people expected, and the deeper ones were the most underestimated. After trying both kinds, most participants preferred the deeper one, because they had assumed their partner would be less interested in it than the partner really was (Chicago Booth Review, December 2021). So the goal is not to avoid silence at any cost. The goal is a conversation that gradually becomes more personal.
Why questions matter more than clever lines
Researchers at Harvard studied live conversations and speed dating. In their studies, people who asked more questions, and especially follow-up questions, were better liked by their partners, and speed daters who asked more follow-up questions were more likely to get a yes to a second date. The authors also found that people do not expect questions to make them more likable (Harvard Kennedy School, 2017). The explanation is responsiveness: a follow-up question shows that you listened. The Association for Psychological Science adds a warning in its summary: asking too many questions, or the wrong kind, such as rude or repetitive ones, could backfire (APS, July 2017).
Calm gives the same balance in plain words: share about yourself without dominating, ask questions without interrogating, and use open-ended questions so your date can answer freely (Calm). The flow below puts that into four steps.
What to talk about on a first date: 25 questions in three levels
Think of these as a menu, not a script. Pick the two or three that fit the moment, and let the answers decide where you go next. Calm's list of safe topic families is similar: hobbies and interests, travel and bucket-list ideas, how your date spends time outside work, food, shows and music, childhood memories, and light, positive current events.
Level 1: light and easy (the first 15 minutes)
- Have you been here before? What do you usually order?
- What is the best thing you have eaten lately?
- What do you do to unwind after a long week?
- Have you watched or listened to anything good recently?
- Are you a morning person or a night owl?
- What is a small thing that always makes you laugh?
- What did you want to be when you were ten?
- Is there a place you could go back to again and again?
Level 2: more personal (once you are both relaxed)
- What are you into at the moment: a hobby, a project, something you are learning?
- What was your best trip, and what made it so good?
- What does a perfect free Sunday look like for you?
- Who taught you something you still use today?
- What are you looking forward to this year?
- What is a skill you would love to learn?
- What do you like most about where you live?
- What is the kindest thing a friend has done for you?
Level 3: values (only if the mood is warm)
- What matters most to you in a friendship?
- What is something you have changed your mind about?
- What is a risk you are glad you took?
- What makes a place feel like home to you?
- What would you do with a completely free year?
- What are you proud of that other people might not notice?
Back-pocket questions for a lull
- What was the best thing that happened to you this week?
- What is on your playlist right now?
- What was the last thing that made you laugh out loud?
The three levels follow a pattern that researchers have used in the lab. Arthur Aron's well-known set of 36 questions is split into three groups that become gradually more personal, and in the original experiments each group got about 15 minutes. Cornell's Evidence-Based Living program points out that pacing matters on a date: revealing too much too quickly can overwhelm the other person (Cornell Evidence-Based Living). That set was designed to build closeness between two people in a controlled setting, so treat it as inspiration for the gradual shape, not as a recipe for making someone fall for you.
How to follow up: five easy formulas
The most useful skill is not the first question but the second one. A follow-up question is simply a question about what the person just said. These examples show how it sounds in practice:
| Your date says | A follow-up you can try |
|---|---|
| "I just got back from a trip." | "What was the best moment?" |
| "I am learning to cook." | "What was the first dish you were proud of?" |
| "Work has been intense lately." | "What part of it do you still enjoy?" |
| "I love hiking." | "Where is your favorite place to go?" |
| "I grew up near the sea." | "What do you miss about it?" |
Then add the give-and-take rule: after a few questions, answer one yourself in a sentence or two, so the evening feels like two people talking and not an interview. If you want more phrases for listening, our guide to active listening techniques has several you can borrow, and the guide to small talk topics covers the easy openers.
A simple flow for the whole date
- Before you go. Choose a place where you can hear each other, such as a quiet café or a walk. Have two or three starters in mind and no more. Calm reminds readers that a good date is about finding a natural, comfortable rhythm, not impressing anyone with flashy stories.
- The first ten minutes. Use the place, the journey or the menu. Food is an easy go-to topic if you feel anxious.
- The middle. Move from Level 1 to Level 2 when the conversation flows. Follow up before you change topic, and share a little in return.
- The ending. Keep the length reasonable. A German health insurer's dating guide suggests one to two hours as a guideline and says you are free to end the date earlier if you want to (DAK, in German). If you enjoyed it, a short, honest message afterwards is enough.
What to leave for later
Calm's advice is to keep a first date light and positive, and to save heavier subjects for when the connection has grown. These topics tend to work better later:
- Exes and past relationships. Good memories can stir jealousy and bad ones can sour the mood.
- Money details, such as salary, debt or spending habits. Talking about dreams is fine.
- Heated politics or religion, which can turn a chat into a debate.
- Long complaints. Acknowledge a bad day briefly, then move on to something positive.
- Big future plans, such as marriage, children or where you will live.
This is not a list of forbidden subjects. If your date brings one up naturally, listen kindly and keep your answers short and open.
When the conversation goes quiet
A short pause is normal. The same DAK guide says that nobody has to talk all the time and that a brief silence does not mean the date is going badly. If you want to restart gently, you can:
- pick up an earlier thread: "You mentioned a trip. Where did you go first?";
- comment on something around you: the music, the food, the view;
- use one back-pocket question from the list above;
- say lightly that you are a little nervous, which many people find relatable.
Where our book fits
Our book on communication is written in Spanish: Lenguaje Corporal, Comunicación Persuasiva y Retórica by Mateo Nevarez. There is no English edition, so it is for you if you read Spanish or are learning it. It is a general handbook, not a dating guide. Its last chapter applies the ideas to ten everyday situations, and the first one is a first date, with advice on mirroring the other person and on talking about feelings and not only facts. Elsewhere the book describes listening, curiosity and showing a little vulnerability as ways to build rapport, and it adds that mirroring should be done "not obsessively." It does not promise a result, and it works best as practice material between dates.
When to ask for support
Feeling nervous before a first date is very common. If the worry is so strong that you avoid meeting people, or it comes with panic, a racing heart that will not settle or constant dread, it is worth talking to a doctor or a mental health professional. A book or a list of questions is a practice tool, not a treatment. If you feel pressured or unsafe on any date, you can end it at any time. You can find support lines in many countries through the international directory Find a Helpline. More practical guides are on the Books Go blog, including one on how to read body language, and our other titles are on the Books Go Publications home page.
Frequently asked questions
What should you not talk about on a first date?
Most advice suggests saving exes, money details, heated politics or religion, long complaints and big future plans for later dates. They are not forbidden, but they tend to feel heavy before you know each other. If your date raises one, keep your answers short and kind.
How many questions should you ask on a first date?
There is no magic number. Research summarized by APS found that asking more questions, especially follow-up ones, increases liking, but it also warns that too many questions or rude, repetitive ones can backfire. A good rhythm is a question, a follow-up, and then a short answer of your own.
How long should a first date last?
One to two hours is a common guideline, for example in the DAK guide mentioned above. You can stay longer if you are both enjoying it, and you are free to end it earlier if you are not.
What if I run out of things to say?
Go back to something your date said earlier, comment on the place or use one of the back-pocket questions. A pause of a few seconds is usually fine. Having two or three starters ready is enough; you do not need to memorize a list.
Is it okay to tell my date that I am nervous?
Yes. Saying it lightly, with a smile, is honest and often helps both people relax. You do not have to explain it, and you do not have to prove anything. Aim for a comfortable rhythm, as Calm puts it, not a perfect performance.
Should I talk about feelings on a first date?
A little, yes, and gradually. Moving from facts (where you work, where you went) to feelings (what you enjoyed, what you are looking forward to) is what makes a chat feel personal. Keep it light at first and go deeper only if your date does the same.
Sources
- Asking Questions Increases Likability, Association for Psychological Science (July 2017)
- It Doesn't Hurt to Ask: Question-Asking Increases Liking, Harvard Kennedy School (2017)
- Deep conversations with strangers are more fulfilling than small talk, Chicago Booth Review (December 2021)
- What to talk about on a first date: 7 topics for anxious daters, Calm
- Build Intimacy: 36 Questions for Romance, Cornell Evidence-Based Living
- Kribbeln im Bauch und 1.000 Fragen im Kopf: so gelingt das erste Date, DAK (in German)
