A lack of empathy usually shows up in small, repeated moments: someone shares a worry and gets advice, a joke or a shrug in return. It is less of an on/off switch than most people think. Empathy sits on a spectrum, it can dip when we are tired or stressed, and in most cases it is a skill you can practice. Below you will find the everyday signs, a few possible reasons, seven habits to build empathy and the phrases that go with them.
In brief:
- Lack of empathy is a spectrum, not a label.
- Common signs: judging feelings, joking at the wrong moment, quick advice.
- Stress, burnout and little practice can lower empathy for a while.
- Most people can build empathy with listening and curiosity.
- If it causes real harm in your life, talk to a professional.
In this article · 9 min read
Psych Central, in an article reviewed by a psychologist in 2024, describes empathy as understanding another person’s feelings and experiences, and says it exists on a spectrum (Psych Central, September 2024). That framing matters. When we say someone has “no empathy,” we usually mean that in this moment, with this person, they are not tuned in. Sometimes that is you, and it is worth knowing how to change it.
Two kinds of empathy
Researchers usually separate two parts. The Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley describes affective empathy as the feelings we get in response to someone else’s emotions, and cognitive empathy, also called perspective taking, as the ability to identify and understand what another person is feeling (Greater Good Science Center). It also stresses that empathy is not the same as compassion: empathy is “a vital first step,” but it does not automatically mean wanting to help.
This is useful in daily life because you can have one without the other. You may understand perfectly well why a colleague is upset and still say nothing helpful. Or you may feel someone’s distress so strongly that you pull away. The habits below work mostly on the cognitive side and on how you respond, which is the part you can practice on purpose.
Signs of a lack of empathy
None of these proves anything on its own. Psych Central itself warns that such signs do not necessarily mean a person lacks empathy. But when several of them appear again and again, the pattern is worth noticing:
- Judging or criticizing feelings. “You’re overreacting” or “You’re too sensitive.”
- Dismissing what someone shares. Changing the subject, or comparing: “That’s nothing, listen to what happened to me.”
- Joking or seeming indifferent just after someone says something sad.
- Giving advice before understanding. The fix arrives in the first ten seconds.
- Not noticing the effect of your words. The other person goes quiet, and you do not ask why.
- Frequent friction in relationships, with the feeling that “nobody understands me” on both sides.
- Blaming people for their own difficulties without asking about the context.
A quick note for the person who recognizes themselves in this list: it is not a verdict. Reading it, and wanting to do better, is already a form of attention to others.
Why empathy can be low
Psych Central lists several factors that can lower empathy: limited modeling of empathy in childhood, few chances to practice it, prolonged stress or burnout, emotional avoidance and low emotional intelligence. It also mentions that certain mental health conditions and neurodevelopmental differences can affect how a person experiences or expresses empathy (Psych Central, 2024). We are not going to diagnose anyone here. A label such as “narcissist” or “psychopath” is not something you can apply from a few conversations, and it does not help you decide what to say next.
What you can use is the more ordinary part of the list. If you are exhausted, overloaded or used to hiding your own feelings, you will have less room left for other people’s. In that case, small changes in rest, pace and conversation habits often make a visible difference.
How to build empathy: 7 practical habits
Empathy training has been studied. A meta-analysis of 18 randomized controlled trials with 1,018 participants found an overall medium effect of training on empathy (Teding van Berkhout and Malouff, Journal of Counseling Psychology, 2016). The authors concluded that empathy training tends to be effective (University of New England, study record). It does not tell you which exercise will work best for you, so treat the list below as things to try, not as a program that works the same way for everyone.
- Listen first, for a full minute. Do not offer a solution. Our guide to active listening techniques gives you the steps: paraphrase, ask an open question, summarize.
- Name what you notice, as a guess. “It sounds like that was frustrating. Is that right?” Berkeley’s list of tips includes focusing your attention outward on other people’s behavior and expressions, and imagining what they may be going through.
- Be curious about their world. Ask “What was that like for you?” instead of assuming. Our book also suggests accepting that your view is not reality, and questioning your own prejudices.
- Treat people as they want to be treated. Not as you would like to be treated. If you are unsure what they prefer, ask: “Do you want ideas, or do you just want me to listen?”
- Look for common ground. Greater Good suggests picking someone very different from you and listing what you share. It is a quick way to see a person rather than a type.
- Hold back the instant fix. Unrequested advice often reads as “your feelings are a problem to solve.” Offer it once it is invited.
- Practice with a story. Berkeley’s list mentions that reading fiction is linked to being more attuned to others’ emotions and intentions. Ten pages a day of a novel is an easy place to start.
Your body language counts too. The same list notes that facial expressions, posture, tone of voice and eye contact all convey empathy, so put the phone down and turn toward the person. If this is an area you want to develop, our article on how to read body language can help.
Empathy in action: replies that dismiss and replies that connect
| They say… | A reply that dismisses | A reply with empathy |
|---|---|---|
| “I’m exhausted. Work is too much.” | “Everyone is tired. Just push through.” | “That sounds heavy. What’s weighing on you most?” |
| “I’m nervous about tomorrow.” | “There’s nothing to worry about.” | “It makes sense to be nervous. What would help tonight?” |
| “My friend forgot my birthday.” | “It’s just a birthday.” | “That must have hurt. Have you thought about telling her?” |
| “I made a mistake at work.” | “Told you so.” | “That’s a tough moment. Do you want to talk it through?” |
In every empathic reply, the first move is to understand, and the second is to ask. Notice also that none of them says “I know exactly how you feel.” You do not, and the other person usually knows that.
A one-week routine to build empathy
Pick one habit a day and use it in one real conversation. Five to ten minutes is enough.
| Day | What to do |
|---|---|
| 1 | Listen for one minute without giving advice. |
| 2 | Ask one open question: “What was that like for you?” |
| 3 | Name a feeling as a guess: “It sounds like…” |
| 4 | Ask someone how they prefer to be supported. |
| 5 | Find one thing you share with someone very different from you. |
| 6 | Read ten pages of fiction and notice what a character feels. |
| 7 | Look back: which reply opened the conversation most? |
If a day goes badly, repeat it the next day. The aim is not to be perfectly empathic, but to notice more often than before.
Where the book fits
Empathy is one section of a broader communication handbook that we publish in Spanish: Lenguaje Corporal, Comunicación Persuasiva y Retórica by Mateo Nevarez. There is no English edition, so this is for you if you read Spanish or are learning it. Chapter 12 deals with assertiveness, active listening and empathy, and the empathy part gives 15 tips. Among them: accept that your worldview is not reality and question your prejudices, be curious and listen more than you talk, treat others the way they want to be treated, give sincere compliments, show vulnerability, find common ground and avoid unsolicited advice.
It is not a clinical book and it does not deal with disorders. It is a general handbook on speaking and relating to people, with chapters on body language, persuasion, negotiation and public speaking, so you can read the empathy chapter on its own and the rest later.
More practical guides are on the Books Go blog and on the Books Go Publications home page.
When to talk to a professional
Working on empathy is an everyday communication skill, not therapy. If a lack of empathy is causing real harm, for example repeated conflicts you cannot resolve, a relationship where someone is being hurt or controlled, or distress about your own emotional numbness, speak with a doctor or a mental health professional. Psych Central also suggests that if you struggle to develop empathy, a mental health professional can teach techniques that may help. If you are in a crisis or worried about someone’s safety, you can find support lines through the international directory Find a Helpline.
Questions about lack of empathy
What is lack of empathy?
It means difficulty understanding or responding to what another person feels. It exists on a spectrum, and it may be temporary, for example during stress or burnout, or longer lasting.
What are the signs of a lack of empathy?
Common signs are judging or dismissing other people’s feelings, joking when someone is upset, giving quick advice and not noticing how your words land. One sign alone does not mean much; a repeated pattern is what counts.
Can you develop empathy if you lack it?
Most people can. Psych Central says that because empathy is an ability, most people can develop it, and a meta-analysis of trials found that empathy training tends to be effective. Results differ from person to person.
What is the difference between empathy and sympathy?
Empathy is trying to understand and, in some forms, share what someone feels. Sympathy is more like concern or pity from the outside. Greater Good also separates empathy from compassion, which adds the wish to help.
Is lack of empathy a mental illness?
Not by itself. Low empathy can be linked to stress, experience or some conditions, but only a qualified professional can assess that. Do not diagnose people from outside.
How do I respond to someone with no empathy?
Say clearly what you need (“I’d like you to listen first”), keep your requests short and set a limit if you are being hurt. If the situation involves violence, control or fear, seek help from a professional or a helpline.
Sources
- Psych Central, “Lack of Empathy: What It Means and How to Deal” (September 2024)
- Greater Good Science Center, UC Berkeley, “Empathy Defined”
- University of New England, record of Teding van Berkhout and Malouff, “The Efficacy of Empathy Training: A Meta-Analysis of Randomized Controlled Trials” (2016)
