How to deal with toxic coworkers comes down to four moves: name the behavior (not the person), set a calm boundary, keep a simple record, and bring in help when the pattern continues. Below you will find a way to tell a difficult colleague from a harmful pattern, phrases for the most common situations, five techniques for tense moments and a clear ladder for when talking is not enough.
In brief:
- Look at repeated behavior over time, not one bad day.
- Answer calmly with short, factual sentences and a clear limit.
- Write down what happened, who saw it and the effect.
- Do not join gossip, and do not copy the behavior.
- Harassment, threats or fear of retaliation call for formal help straight away.
In this article · 11 min read
- What is a toxic coworker, and what is not?
- How to deal with toxic coworkers in four steps
- What to say: phrases for common situations
- Five techniques for tense moments
- What our book adds (available in Spanish)
- Is the criticism fair? A check before you react
- Keep a simple record
- Look after yourself
- When talking is not enough: a ladder
- Who it is for
- Key terms
- Frequently asked questions about how to deal with toxic coworkers
- Sources
What is a toxic coworker, and what is not?
There is no clinical definition, so it helps to describe behavior. Much of the advice on difficult colleagues, from Calm (a well-being company) and others, centers on gossip, drama and respect for limits. Not every hard colleague is toxic. A person who is stressed, blunt or having a bad week is different from someone whose behavior keeps hurting others and does not change.
The World Health Organization puts "violence, harassment or bullying" among the psychosocial risks to mental health at work, together with an "organizational culture that enables negative behaviours" (WHO). That is a useful frame: some of what people call "toxic" is a pattern of behavior, and sometimes a workplace that lets it continue.
The most serious form, bullying, is not rare. In a 2021 national survey by the Workplace Bullying Institute, 30% of workers said they had been bullied at work, and 49% had been affected either as targets or as witnesses. Bosses were the bullies in 65% of cases and coworkers in 21% (Workplace Bullying Institute, 2021).
| Situation | What it can look like | What usually fits |
|---|---|---|
| A difficult moment | One sharp reply, a missed deadline, a tense meeting | Wait, then a short private word if it matters |
| A toxic pattern | Constant gossip, belittling jokes, taking credit, blaming others, passive-aggressive remarks, again and again | Boundaries, a record, a calm talk, then your manager |
| Harassment or bullying | Insults, threats, exclusion on purpose, targeting you or others | Formal channels and outside support, without trying to handle it alone |
Two questions help you place a situation. Does it happen repeatedly, with the same person? And does it hurt your work, your health or other people? If the answer to both is yes, it is worth acting, step by step.
How to deal with toxic coworkers in four steps
Advice from different sources overlaps a lot. Harvard Business Review (HBR), in a piece reprinted by the Society for Human Resource Management (SHRM), suggests an honest conversation about how the behavior affects you, keeping your own conduct in check, involving your boss to set shared team norms, and taking care of yourself. Calm adds pausing before you reply, setting boundaries politely but firmly, and staying out of gossip. Here is that advice as four steps.
- Name the behavior, not the person. Instead of "he is toxic," write "in the last three meetings he cut me off and repeated my idea as his own." A fact is harder to argue with than a label, and it keeps you calm.
- Set a boundary, briefly. Calm recommends communicating boundaries "politely, but firmly." One sentence is enough: "I'm happy to talk about the project, not about colleagues." You do not need to explain or apologize for having a limit.
- Keep a record. Notes make a later conversation with your manager much clearer (more on this below).
- Talk, then involve others if needed. If it is safe, tell the person how the behavior affects you, without accusing. If it continues, talk to your manager or human resources (HR), and ask for a conversation about team norms rather than a punishment.
Do not match the behavior. The HBR advice is blunt about it: do not stoop to their level. Staying professional is also the best protection if the situation is ever reviewed.
Leadership researcher Christine Porath, who studies rudeness at work, shows in her TED talk what incivility costs people and teams, and how small acts of respect make a difference. It is a good reminder that your own conduct is part of the answer.
Why being respectful to your coworkers is good for business (Christine Porath, TED)
What to say: phrases for common situations
These are starting points. Change the words until they sound like you, and keep your voice level.
| Behavior | Something you can say |
|---|---|
| Gossip about a colleague | "I'd rather not talk about her when she's not here." |
| Being cut off in a meeting | "Let me finish my point, and then I'd like to hear yours." |
| Someone repeats your idea as their own | "Thanks for picking that up. As I said earlier, my suggestion was..." |
| Sarcastic or belittling remark | "That sounded like a put-down. What did you mean?" |
| Last-minute work dumped on you | "I can't take this on today. I can do it by Thursday, or we can ask Sam to reprioritize." |
| Blame for something that was not yours | "Let's look at what happened, step by step. Here is what I did and when." |
| A private talk is needed | "Could we have ten minutes about how we work together? I'd like us to find something that works for both." |
Words that tend to add fuel: "you always," "you never," sarcasm, raising your voice and bringing up old mistakes. Calm also suggests listening first to understand the other person's perspective, and keeping the conversation on work issues rather than personal ones.
Five techniques for tense moments
Mateo Nevarez's view
In Lenguaje Corporal, Comunicación Persuasiva y Retórica, available in Spanish, Mateo Nevarez devotes a chapter to fights, disputes and provocations. Besides eleven general rules, he names five techniques for an argument. Here is how each can sound with a difficult colleague, in our own words:
- Broken record. Repeat the same calm sentence without adding new arguments. "I hear you. I still need the report by Thursday."
- Partial concession. Honestly concede a point that matters less to you, to keep the one that matters more. "You're right that I answered late. I'd still like us to agree on a response time."
- Postponing. When emotions are high, move the talk to a calmer moment. "Let's pick this up at three, when we've both had time to think."
- Questioning. Ask for specifics instead of defending yourself. "Which part bothered you? Can you give me an example?"
- The outside view. Step mentally out of the argument, describe what is happening as an observer would, and propose a solution based on the facts. "We've both raised our voices. Let's list the three deadlines and see which one can move."
For a hostile person, the book advises separating the issue from the person, avoiding shouting and sarcasm, and using "I" statements. Its chapter on assertiveness adds a few habits that help here: start in low-risk situations, be brief and direct, stay calm, and do not apologize for having needs.
What our book adds (available in Spanish)
Our communication book has no English edition. The book shown here, Lenguaje Corporal, Comunicación Persuasiva y Retórica by Mateo Nevarez, is written in Spanish, so it is for you if you read Spanish or are learning it. It is a general handbook on everyday communication in 21 chapters. One chapter explains why strong communication skills help you set boundaries with toxic people, another covers disputes and provocations, and the last one applies everything to ten everyday situations, including colleagues and the boss. Most chapters end with exercises you can do alone.
It is a practical handbook, not a therapy manual: it does not deal with clinical problems, and it names authors without giving detailed references. There is also an audiobook version in Spanish. Like our other titles, it is sold on Amazon in paperback and Kindle editions, where readers' reviews give a fair idea of how others have used it.
Is the criticism fair? A check before you react
Toxic behavior sometimes comes wrapped in criticism, and not all criticism is toxic. The book suggests three tests for any criticism: does it come from someone competent whom you value, is it about facts rather than about you as a person, and is it disinterested, meaning the person gains nothing from it? If the answer is no to most of these, you can thank them and let it go. If the answer is yes, there may be something to learn, even if the delivery was poor. This test keeps you from two traps: taking every harsh remark to heart, and dismissing every remark as "toxic."
Keep a simple record
A record is not about collecting evidence against someone. It helps you stay factual and remember details when you talk to your manager. Keep it short, written the same day, with facts only:
| What to note | Example |
|---|---|
| What happened | "Interrupted me three times in the planning meeting." |
| Who saw it | "Ana and Luis were there." |
| Effect | "I lost the thread and the decision went ahead without my input." |
| What I did | "Asked to finish my point; sent a summary by email afterwards." |
Store it somewhere private that is yours, not on a shared company drive. If you later talk to your manager or HR, bring two or three clear examples rather than a long list.
Look after yourself
Working near constant negativity wears people down. The HBR advice says to protect your health and focus on what you can influence. Practical ways to do that: keep contact with the person to what the work needs, take real breaks, keep friendships at work with people you trust, and talk to someone outside work about how you feel. If you notice trouble sleeping, dread before work or constant tension, talk to a doctor or a psychologist. If you are in distress, you can find a helpline through the international directory Find a Helpline.
When talking is not enough: a ladder
Climb only as far as you need to:
- Talk directly, calmly and privately, using the phrases above.
- Talk to your manager, with your notes. Calm and HBR both point to a manager or HR when you cannot solve things yourself. Ask for a conversation about team norms, not for a punishment.
- Use the formal channels your workplace has (HR, an employee representative, a complaints procedure).
- Think about your options. If the workplace lets the behavior continue and your health is suffering, changing teams or jobs can be a reasonable choice. HBR's last suggestion is to consider leaving the team or company if your efforts fail. It is a decision, not a defeat.
Harassment, discrimination, threats and violence are not "difficult colleagues." In those cases go straight to formal channels and to people who can protect you.
For more on staying steady in difficult talks, see how to handle conflict at work, assertive communication examples and how to say no politely and without guilt. You'll find more guides on the Books Go Publications blog and more books on the Books Go Publications home page.
Who it is for
These steps help anyone who shares a workplace with someone whose behavior keeps causing harm.
- Employees in busy teams: use the phrases and the short boundary sentence, because a calm, prepared answer keeps a tense moment from turning into a fight.
- New managers: rely on the record and a talk about team norms, which keeps the focus on behavior and protects everyone involved.
- Remote and hybrid workers: note dates, messages and meetings in your record, so that problems in calls and chats are as clear as those in an office.
- People who avoid conflict: practice the five techniques in low-risk moments first, so you have words ready when it matters.
Key terms
- Toxic behavior: a repeated pattern, such as gossip, belittling or blame, that harms work, health or other people.
- Boundary: a clear limit on what you accept, stated briefly and calmly.
- Broken record: calmly repeating the same sentence without adding new arguments.
- Workplace bullying: repeated mistreatment of a person at work, which calls for formal help.
- Psychosocial risks: features of work, such as harassment or a culture that tolerates negative behavior, that can harm mental health.
Frequently asked questions about how to deal with toxic coworkers
How do I know if a coworker is really toxic?
Look for a pattern. Repeated gossip, belittling, blaming or credit-taking over weeks is different from one bad day. If the behavior hurts your work, your health or other people, it is worth acting on, however you label it.
Should I confront a toxic coworker?
Sometimes. If it feels safe, a calm private talk that describes the behavior and its effect gives the person a chance to change. If you fear a hostile reaction, or the behavior is threatening, skip this step and go to your manager or a formal channel.
What if my boss is the toxic one?
Keep a record, stay factual and look for support from HR, a mentor or a representative outside your direct line. Describe the effect on the work. If the behavior is harassment, use formal channels without delay.
Is it okay to avoid a toxic coworker?
Reducing contact to what the work needs is a legitimate boundary. Complete avoidance may be hard if you work together every day, so agree on short, clear channels, such as email for tasks, and keep the rest polite and brief.
What if other colleagues join in?
Do not respond with gossip of your own. Stay calm and factual, and consider talking to a trusted colleague who has seen it too. A shared concern, raised calmly, is harder to dismiss than a lone complaint.
When should I think about leaving?
When the situation affects your health, nothing changes after you have tried the steps above, and your workplace does not respond. Leaving is a personal decision, and it is fine to prepare calmly: update your CV (curriculum vitae), talk to people you trust, and take time to look for a better fit.
