How to handle conflict at work: act early, talk in private, describe what happened without blaming anyone, listen until you can repeat the other person's point, and agree on one concrete next step. Below you will find a six-step method, word-for-word phrases, five techniques for tense moments, and a clear ladder for when talking is not enough.
In brief:
- Raise a conflict early, once you are calm, and in private.
- Describe facts and their effect on you with "I," not "you always."
- Listen until you can repeat the other person's point correctly.
- End with one agreed action and a day to check back.
- With harassment or fear of retaliation, ask for help instead of handling it alone.
In this article · 9 min read
- What is conflict at work?
- How to handle conflict at work in 6 steps
- What to say: phrases you can adapt
- Five techniques for tense moments
- Conflict with a colleague or with your boss
- When talking is not enough: a ladder
- What our book adds (available in Spanish)
- Frequently asked questions about how to handle conflict at work
- Sources
What is conflict at work?
A conflict at work appears when two or more people want, expect or see different things and the tension does not go away on its own. BetterUp, a coaching company, lists the usual ingredients: different opinions, work styles and approaches, unaddressed emotions such as anger and resentment, and communication barriers. It is a common experience: a 2022 survey by The Myers-Briggs Company, quoted by BetterUp, found that more than a third of workers deal with conflict often, very often or all the time (BetterUp).
The first useful question is what kind of conflict you are in, because it changes what helps. BetterUp suggests working out whether it is about a task, a relationship, a value or the team before you choose an approach.
| Kind of conflict | What it sounds like | What usually helps |
|---|---|---|
| Task | "We disagree on what the deliverable should be." | Clarify the goal and who decides; write it down |
| Relationship | "He talks over me in every meeting." | Describe the behavior and its effect; listen to their side |
| Values | "She cuts corners and I can't accept that." | Name the principle at stake; look for shared standards |
| Team | "Two departments blame each other." | Bring in everyone concerned; agree roles and rules |
TalentLMS, a learning-software company, adds that avoiding a conflict usually makes it worse and that it helps to look for root causes instead of blaming the people involved (TalentLMS). Often there is more than one layer. A disagreement about a deadline (task) can hide a feeling of not being respected (relationship). Handle the visible problem first, and keep an ear open for the second one.
How to handle conflict at work in 6 steps
The advice of BetterUp and HubSpot overlaps a lot: do not put it off, listen first, look for common ground, plan the next step. Here is that advice turned into six steps you can follow in order.
- Cool down first. If you are angry, wait before you speak. HubSpot suggests giving yourself some time, even up to 48 hours, to see whether the issue still matters and to enter the talk level-headed. Do not wait so long that it festers: BetterUp's first step is "don't put it off."
- Prepare three facts. Write down what you observed, with no adjectives: "The file came back twice without my changes." Leave out "always," "never" and guesses about motives. Decide what you want: a change, an answer, an apology, a rule.
- Ask for a private talk. Choose a quiet place and a time that is not rushed. A short message works: "Could we talk for 15 minutes about how we share the handover? I'd like to find something that works for both of us." Face-to-face or by video is better than text, because tone gets lost in writing.
- Open with an "I" message. HubSpot recommends describing how a behavior affects you instead of blaming the person. A simple pattern: fact, effect, request. "When the file came back without my changes, I had to redo the work (fact, effect). Could we agree that you check the latest version before editing? (request)"
- Listen until you can repeat it. Let the other person finish without interrupting, then say it back in your own words: "So what I hear is that you were under pressure and did not see my update. Is that right?" Our communication book suggests repeating the other person's point until they confirm it. Only then add your view.
- Agree on one action and a check-in. BetterUp ends with an action plan and a reflection. Keep it small: who does what, by when, and when you will check how it is going. Write it down in two lines and send it. If one of you needs to apologize for something, do it briefly and move on.
HubSpot also reminds you to put solving the problem ahead of being right, and to focus on the current conflict rather than past grievances.
What to say: phrases you can adapt
These are starting points, not scripts to recite. Change the words until they sound like you.
| Situation | Something you can say |
|---|---|
| Opening the talk | "I'd like to understand how we each see the handover. Do you have 15 minutes?" |
| Describing the problem | "In the last two meetings I was interrupted before I finished. I'd like to be able to complete my point." |
| Checking your understanding | "Let me make sure I got it: you need the numbers earlier, is that right?" |
| Finding common ground | "We both want this launch to go well. Can we start there?" |
| Taking your share of responsibility | "I should have told you earlier that the deadline moved. I'm sorry about that." |
| Things heat up | "I want to answer this properly. Can we take ten minutes and come back?" |
| Closing | "So I'll send the draft on Tuesday and you'll review it by Thursday. Shall we check in on Friday?" |
Words that tend to add fuel: "you always," "you never," "calm down," "that's ridiculous," sarcasm, and bringing up old mistakes. "Yes, and..." usually opens more doors than "yes, but..." (a tip from HubSpot).
Five techniques for tense moments
Our communication book has a chapter on fights, disputes and provocations. Besides 11 general rules, it names five techniques for arguments. Here is how each can sound at work, in our own words:
- Broken record. Calmly repeat the same sentence without adding new arguments or raising your voice. "I understand. I still need it by Thursday."
- Partial concession. Agree with the part that is true without giving up your point. "You're right that I sent it late. I'd still like us to agree on a deadline."
- Postponing. If emotions are high, move the talk to a calmer moment. "Let's pick this up at three, when we've both had time to think."
- Questioning. Ask for specifics instead of defending yourself. "What exactly bothered you? Could you give me an example?"
- The outside view. Step back and ask how a neutral colleague would describe what happened, or what you would advise a friend in the same position.
For a hostile person, the book advises separating the issue from the person, avoiding shouting and sarcasm, and using "I" statements. Among its general rules are listening and showing empathy, defusing a conflict early, not taking it personally, admitting your mistakes and not insulting anyone.
Conflict with a colleague or with your boss
With a colleague, the book's chapter on everyday situations suggests being transparent, preferring a conversation face to face or by video, not digging up past mistakes, and asking how the person is doing before criticizing their work.
With your boss, the balance of power is different, so preparation matters more. The book suggests being empathetic about the pressure your boss is under, communicating regularly and asking questions. In practice that means bringing a problem together with a proposed solution, and describing the effect on the work rather than judging the person. If the conflict is with your manager and it continues, a neutral third party may help, which is the next point.
When talking is not enough: a ladder
Not every conflict can be solved between two people. Think of a ladder and climb only as far as you need to:
- Talk directly, using the six steps above.
- Bring in a neutral person. HubSpot suggests a mediator or HR when emotions run high or when you fear retaliation. A trusted manager or colleague can also help you plan the talk.
- Use the formal channels your workplace has (HR, an employee representative, a complaints procedure). Keep brief notes with dates and facts.
Harassment, discrimination, threats and violence are not "conflicts to be talked out." In those cases go straight to the formal channels and to people who can protect you. Chronic stress, trouble sleeping or dread before work are also reasons to talk to a doctor or a psychologist. If you are in distress, you can find a helpline through the international directory Find a Helpline.
What our book adds (available in Spanish)
Our communication book has no English edition. The edition shown here is the Spanish one, Lenguaje Corporal, Comunicación Persuasiva y Retórica by Mateo Nevarez, so it is for you if you read Spanish or are learning it. It is a general handbook on everyday communication in 21 chapters, and one chapter covers conflict, arguments and provocations. It ends with ten everyday situations, including colleagues and the boss. Most chapters close with exercises you can do alone, such as reviewing your own arguments at home after a heated exchange.
It is a practical handbook, not a therapy manual: it does not deal with clinical problems, and it names authors without giving detailed references. There is also an audiobook version in Spanish.
Related reading: assertive communication examples gives a four-step formula and twelve phrases, how to say no politely and without guilt helps with refusals, and active listening techniques shows how to listen so the other person feels heard. You'll find more guides on the Books Go blog and more books on the Books Go Publications home page.
Frequently asked questions about how to handle conflict at work
How do I start a conversation about a conflict at work?
Ask for a private talk, say what it is about in one sentence, and propose a time that suits both of you. "Could we talk for 15 minutes about the handover? I'd like us to find something that works for both." Starting with a shared goal lowers the temperature.
How long should I wait before addressing it?
Long enough to calm down, not so long that the problem grows. HubSpot mentions waiting up to 48 hours to see whether the issue still matters, while BetterUp warns against putting it off. A good rule is to speak once you can describe the facts without anger.
What if the other person refuses to talk?
Try one more invitation in neutral words, perhaps through a different channel. If they still refuse and the problem affects your work, involve a neutral person such as a trusted manager, a mediator or HR. You can only control your side of the conversation.
What if the conflict is with my boss?
Prepare more, stay factual and propose solutions along with the problem. Describe the effect on the work, not the person. If it continues, ask for support from a neutral person and keep short notes of what was said and agreed.
Should I involve HR right away?
For everyday disagreements, a direct, respectful talk usually comes first. For harassment, discrimination, threats or fear of retaliation, go to the formal channels without waiting. HR and similar channels also help when a talk has not worked.
Is it better to talk, or to write a message?
Talking, face to face or by video, is usually better because tone and body language carry meaning. Use writing to confirm what you agreed afterwards: two lines with who does what and by when.
