How to set healthy boundaries starts with one simple idea: a boundary is a short, calm statement of what you will and will not do, said without a long defence. You can begin with small, low-risk situations, use "I", keep your words brief and kind, and repeat yourself if you need to. Guilt often shows up at the start, and it is more likely a sign that something is new than a sign that you are doing something wrong.
In brief:
- A boundary says what you will or won't do, not what others must do.
- Start small, use "I" and keep it short, with no long apology.
- Guilt is common at first; research suggests people overestimate the fallout of refusing.
- Some people push back, so plan a calm way to repeat yourself.
- Work, family and friends each need slightly different wording.
In this article · 12 min read
Most of us learn to set limits by trial and error, and many of us never get taught at all. This guide on how to set healthy boundaries explains what a boundary is, why saying no can feel so uncomfortable, a four-step plan you can start using this week, phrases for work, family and friends, and what to do when someone does not like your answer. It is general information, not therapy, and it ends with a clear note on when to ask a professional for help.
What a boundary is, and what it is not
Counselling staff at Bangor University describe assertive communication as direct, open and honest, and respectful of personal boundaries, both yours and other people's. The aim is that you do not feel others take advantage of you, while you still value their rights too (Bangor University counselling service). In plain words, a boundary tells other people how you would like to be treated and what you are not available for.
Two ideas help to keep it clean:
- A boundary is about your own actions. "I will leave the room if I'm shouted at" is a boundary. "You must stop shouting" is a request, and you cannot control the answer. Psych Central puts it this way: boundaries are for your own wellbeing, not a way to control or punish others (Psych Central).
- A boundary sits between two extremes. The Bangor handout describes assertiveness as the mid-point between passive behaviour (going along with everything to be "nice") and aggressive behaviour (gaining power over others through threats, sarcasm or bullying). Passive habits can build resentment until it comes out at the wrong moment.
So a healthy boundary is neither a wall nor a weapon. It is closer to a gate: you decide what comes in, when and how, and you can open it for people and things you choose.
Why guilt shows up when you say no
Many people can say what they want in their heads and still freeze when it is time to say it out loud. A large part of the reason is fear of what will happen next: disappointment, conflict, being seen as selfish.
Here is a result that is worth knowing. A research team at East China Normal University ran seven studies with 2,132 participants, plus four supplementary studies with 1,470, to test whether those fears are well founded. They found that people who refuse a request overestimate the negative consequences they will face. This held in imagined situations, in real-life ones and in situations with incentives, and it faded when the wish to avoid negative consequences weakened (Lu, Fang and Qiu, Journal of Experimental Psychology: Applied, 2023). It does not mean nobody will ever be upset. It does mean the pushback you imagine tends to be bigger than the one you get.
Psych Central adds a second, gentle point: if you are just starting to set boundaries, you may feel guilty, selfish or even mean, and that is because it is new, not because you are doing something wrong. A useful way to check your guilt is to ask what you have actually done:
| What guilt may be saying | A fair question to ask yourself |
|---|---|
| "They will think I'm selfish." | Did I treat them badly, or just not give them what they expected? |
| "If I can do it, I should." | Is this really my responsibility, or am I being handed someone else's? |
| "They'll be upset with me." | Can I care about their feelings and still keep my decision? |
| "I always help." | What does saying yes every time cost me in time, sleep and mood? |
You can feel uncomfortable and still be right. Over time the aim is not to stop feeling guilt altogether, but to stop letting it make every decision for you.
How to set healthy boundaries in four steps
This plan is simple on purpose. It works for a big conversation and for a small "no, thanks".
- Notice the signal. Boundaries usually begin with a feeling: a knot in the stomach, a sigh before answering, irritation after a message, dread before a visit. When you notice one, ask what was asked of you and what it would cost. Keeping a short diary of moments when you said yes but wanted to say no can show you patterns.
- Decide what you will and won't do. Psych Central suggests getting really specific about what you want and why it matters, and even writing it down and rehearsing it, which can lower anxiety. "I want more time for myself" is vague. "I won't answer work messages after 7 pm" is a boundary you can act on.
- Say it short and kind. Keep the message direct and brief. Long explanations, justifications and apologies water down the message, as Psych Central shows with a side-by-side example, and the Bangor handout makes the same point: excuses and explanations are often unnecessary. A short reason is fine if you want to give one. You do not owe a defence.
- Hold it, and repeat it calmly. Psych Central notes that you may need to set the same boundary again and again with the same person, much like parents repeat family rules. Therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab says something similar in the interview below: we sometimes have to repeat ourselves, and adjust a boundary depending on what is happening with the other person.
A tip for beginners learning how to set healthy boundaries: start with low-risk situations and small stakes, such as turning down a plan you don't fancy or asking a café to fix a wrong order. Save the hardest conversation for later, once you have some practice.
Phrases you can use
Words matter less than clarity, but having a sentence ready makes the first try much easier. Adapt these to your own voice.
| Situation | A short boundary |
|---|---|
| A task lands on you late in the day | "I can't take that on today. If it's urgent, which of my tasks should wait?" |
| An invitation you don't want | "Thanks for thinking of me. I won't make it this time." |
| Work messages in the evening | "I'll look at this first thing tomorrow." |
| A joke at your expense | "I don't like jokes about that. Please stop." |
| A friend who only calls when they need something | "I'm glad to catch up. I can't help with that right now, but let's talk on Saturday." |
| Advice you didn't ask for | "I know you care. I've got this one, and I'll ask if I need help." |
| You need time to decide | "Let me check and get back to you." |
Notice the pattern: a clear "I", the decision, and sometimes an alternative. Offering an alternative is optional. When you do offer one, make sure it is something you really want to do.
When someone pushes back
Not everyone will welcome a change. Psych Central notes that the people who were benefiting from your lack of boundaries may react the least well, while others simply need time to adjust. Some respond with anger to move you back to your old role.
A few ways to stay steady:
- Repeat, don't escalate. Say the same short sentence again in the same calm voice. You don't need new arguments each time.
- Name it and pause. "I can see you're upset. I'm not changing my answer, but I'm happy to talk about it tomorrow."
- Remember who is responsible for what. You are responsible for what you say and do. You are not responsible for managing the other person's reaction. Psych Central says as much.
- Stay safe. If someone becomes threatening, aggressive or controlling, keeping your boundary is not a reason to stay in the room. See the note on professional help below.
Here is the full conversation with Nedra Glover Tawwab, a therapist and the author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace, talking to organizational psychologist Adam Grant:
How to set boundaries with therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab
Unspoken expectations at work
Boundaries at work are tricky because many expectations are never spoken out loud. A Gallup poll shows this well. Among workers whose employers expect them to use mobile devices for work, 62% said they frequently email outside working hours, compared with 23% of those whose employers have no such expectation (Gallup, 2014). Across all full-time workers in the same poll, a little over a third (36%) said they frequently connect with work online after hours (Gallup, 2014).
This is a poll, not proof that an employer's expectation causes the habit, and it dates from 2014. Still, it shows how quickly a habit can become an unspoken rule. If you want a different rule, say so in one clear sentence, such as "I'll reply to messages from 8 am". The research above suggests that our worst-case guesses about the reply tend to be too gloomy.
Mateo Nevarez's view
In Lenguaje Corporal, Comunicación Persuasiva y Retórica, our book available in Spanish, Mateo Nevarez treats limits as part of assertiveness. His advice for people who feel uneasy being assertive is to start with low-risk situations and raise the difficulty little by little. Requests should be simple and direct, in the first person, and without elaborate explanations. He also advises you to stop apologising for having a need or a wish. His reminder is a calming one: as long as you express your needs respectfully, you are not responsible for how others react.
The book also touches the same theme in its opening chapters, noting that effective communication lets you set limits in an empathetic but firm way and avoid taking on burdens that are not yours. And for people who keep pressing, a later chapter describes the "broken record": calmly repeating your point without taking the bait. Think of it as one more reason to stay short and steady rather than inventive.
Where the book fits
Lenguaje Corporal, Comunicación Persuasiva y Retórica by Mateo Nevarez is a broad handbook on everyday communication. It covers body language, persuasion, rhetoric, listening, assertiveness, empathy, negotiation and public speaking, closes most chapters with exercises, and ends with ten everyday situations, from a first date to a work meeting. It is written in Spanish. In French and German, Books Go Publications publishes other books on similar topics, by different authors and with their own content: readers of those languages can find them on the French or German home page. It is not therapy and it does not promise results. It is a practical starting point if you want more tools than a single article can hold.
At Books Go Publications, an international publishing house based in Brentford, we publish in English, French, German and Spanish and work with translators and native-speaker editors for every language. For more on related skills, see our guides on saying no politely without guilt, assertive communication with examples and handling conflict at work. More guides are on the Books Go Publications home page.
When to ask a professional
Setting boundaries is a skill you can practise, but it is not a substitute for care. Consider talking to a doctor, psychologist or counsellor if guilt, fear or anxiety about saying no is constant, if it affects your sleep, mood, work or relationships, or if you feel you have no right to any limits at all. Our book and this article do not treat anxiety or other clinical conditions.
If someone threatens you, controls what you do, frightens you or hurts you, do not try to handle it with phrases alone. Reach out to a trusted person or a local service. You can find free, confidential help lines for many places through findahelpline.com.
Who it is for
This guide is for people who want to say a clear, kind "no" more often.
- Someone who says yes first and regrets it later: the four steps and the "let me check" phrase give you a pause before answering.
- An employee with late tasks and evening messages: the work phrases and the Gallup figures help you name an unspoken rule and replace it.
- A person preparing for a busy family season: the table of guilt questions and the short sentences help with advice, invitations and old roles.
- Anyone new to assertiveness: the small-steps approach lets you practise on low-risk situations first.
Key terms
- Boundary: a clear statement of what you will and will not do, which protects your time, energy and wellbeing.
- Assertiveness: saying what you need or think in a direct, honest and respectful way, without being passive or aggressive.
- "I" statement: a sentence that starts with your own view or feeling, such as "I can't take that on", instead of blaming the other person.
- Broken record: calmly repeating the same short sentence when someone keeps pressing.
- Over-explaining: giving long reasons and apologies for a decision, which can weaken the message.
- Guilt: an uncomfortable feeling that can appear when you break a learned expectation, even if your choice is fair.
Frequently asked questions
How do I set boundaries without feeling guilty?
Expect some guilt at the beginning, because the behaviour is new. Get specific about what you want, say it in a few words and remind yourself that studies suggest people tend to overestimate the negative reaction to a refusal. Guilt usually eases with practice.
What are examples of healthy boundaries?
Examples are not answering work messages after a set time, turning down invitations without a long excuse, leaving a conversation when someone shouts, and asking family members not to comment on your choices. Each one describes what you will do, not what others must do.
Do I have to explain my boundary?
No. A short reason can be kind, but you do not have to justify yourself. Long explanations tend to weaken the message and invite debate.
What if the other person gets angry?
Stay calm, repeat your short sentence and, if needed, pause the conversation until later. You are responsible for your words and actions, not for the other person's reaction. If someone becomes threatening or controlling, put your safety first and seek support.
Is setting boundaries selfish?
Selfishness means caring only about your own rights with little regard for others. Assertive boundaries respect both sides: you say what you need and you accept that others have the same right.
Can I set boundaries with my boss?
Often yes. Offering a choice, such as "Which of my tasks should I put aside?", or stating when you will reply keeps the tone constructive. If your workplace makes this impossible, talk to a trusted colleague, a union representative or a counsellor about options.
Sources
- Rejecters overestimate the negative consequences they will face from refusal, Journal of Experimental Psychology: Applied (2023)
- Assertiveness, Bangor University student counselling service
- 5 tips for setting boundaries without feeling guilty, Psych Central (2019)
- Using mobile technology for work linked to higher stress, Gallup (2014)
- Most workers see upside to staying connected to work, Gallup (2014)
- How to set boundaries with therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab (transcript), TED ReThinking with Adam Grant
- Find a Helpline
