Learning how to start a conversation with a stranger comes down to three small moves: notice something you both share, say a light remark or introduce yourself, and ask one open question. You do not need a clever line. What you say first matters less than a relaxed face, a short sentence and real curiosity about the answer. Below you will find a simple three-step method, ready-made openers for ten everyday situations, signs that tell you whether the other person wants to talk, graceful ways to end the chat and a one-week practice plan.
In brief:
- Three steps: notice something shared, say something light, ask an open question.
- The first sentence can be ordinary; warmth and curiosity matter more.
- People often like you more than you expect after a first chat.
- Watch their eyes, body and answers to know whether to continue.
- End kindly and early rather than letting the chat fade awkwardly.
In this article · 10 min read
- Why it feels harder than it is
- How to start a conversation with a stranger in three steps
- Openers for ten everyday situations
- Ordinary openers are fine
- How to tell whether the person wants to talk
- Keep it going: follow-ups, side doors and sharing a little
- How to end the conversation kindly
- A one-week practice plan
- What our book in Spanish adds
- When to ask for support
- Questions about starting a conversation with a stranger
- Sources
Why it feels harder than it is
Most of us expect a chat with a stranger to go badly, and the research suggests that expectation is often wrong. In a set of nine experiments by Nicholas Epley and Juliana Schroeder, described by Chicago Booth, commuters were asked to talk to a stranger, to sit in silence or to travel as usual. Those who connected reported a significantly more positive journey than those who stayed in solitude, even though people had predicted exactly the opposite. The studies involved commuters, so they are no promise for every place or person, but they show how pessimistic our forecasts can be.
A second finding applies to the minutes after the conversation. The British Psychological Society summarizes five studies by Erica Boothby and colleagues on what they call the "liking gap": after talking, people underestimated how much their partner liked them. The gap was larger for shyer people, and it remained whether the conversation lasted two minutes or 45. Strangers, as the researchers note, do not know the standard you are holding yourself to, so they are rarely as critical as you are.
How to start a conversation with a stranger in three steps
Here is the method in one line: notice, say, ask.
- Notice. Look for something you share with the person: the place, the occasion, the wait, what they are doing, or a detail they have chosen to show, such as a pin, a book or a bag. Psychology Today suggests picking a small detail about what someone is wearing, because it shows you took the time to notice.
- Say. Make a short, friendly remark or introduce yourself. BetterUp lists several easy ways in: a genuine, specific compliment, asking for a recommendation, or simply sharing your name with a handshake. Smiling and relaxed eye contact make you easier to approach.
- Ask. Finish with an open question, one that cannot be answered with a plain yes or no, and then follow up on the answer.
The third step is where conversations are won. In a series of studies summarized by the Association for Psychological Science, Harvard researchers found that people who asked more questions, and especially follow-up questions, made a better impression. A follow-up question is just a question about what the person has said: "You mentioned you just moved. What do you like about the area so far?"
Openers for ten everyday situations
Use these as a starting point and put them in your own words. They all follow the same pattern: a comment about the shared moment, then a question.
| Situation | A line you can use |
|---|---|
| In a queue or waiting room | "This line is moving slowly today. Is this café usually this busy?" |
| At a party or event | "How do you know the host?" |
| At a conference or workshop | "I am new here. Which session would you recommend?" |
| In a class or course | "What made you sign up for this one?" |
| At a hobby group or sports club | "Is this your first time here too? How did you find the group?" |
| On a train or bus | "Do you know if this stop is closer to the old town?" |
| With a new neighbor | "I just moved in. Is there a bakery or park you would recommend?" |
| At a new workplace | "I have only just started. What is one thing nobody tells you here?" |
| When you both have a dog | "What a lovely dog. How old is he?" |
| At a shop or market | "Have you tried this one before? I cannot decide." |
Several of these ask for a small piece of advice. Asking for a recommendation is on BetterUp's list for a reason: it is easy to answer and it invites the other person to share something they know.
Ordinary openers are fine
Do not wait for the perfect first sentence. A remark about the weather, the queue or the venue can work well, provided you do not stop there. One small-talk trainer interviewed by Le Temps (in French) describes bland questions as springboards: answer the plain question and add something small about yourself, a hobby or a plan, so the other person has something to pick up. If you are asked "Nice weather, isn't it?", you might say "It is lovely. I was hoping to cycle later. Do you ride?"
One more tip from Psychology Today is to avoid opening with work, since it can feel transactional, and to look for something personal that you have in common instead. Communication writer Charles Duhigg, quoted by Infobae (in Spanish), suggests asking what led someone to their profession or their town rather than only where they work. The same article reports his view that strong communicators ask many more questions than average.
How to tell whether the person wants to talk
Not everyone will want to chat, and that is no judgment on you. Look at several signals together, as our book also advises, because a single gesture can mean different things or nothing at all.
| Signs they are open | Signs to wrap up gently |
|---|---|
| Eye contact and a relaxed face | Looking away often or at a phone |
| Body turned toward you | Stepping back or turning their body away |
| Answers with details or a question back | One-word answers and long pauses |
| Smiles and nods | Glancing at the exit or at other people |
According to the Infobae article, which draws on etiquette expert Elaine Swann, signs such as a wandering gaze, a step back or a body turned away can mean the other person would like to finish. Take the hint kindly, say something warm and move on. That is part of good communication, not a failure.
Keep it going: follow-ups, side doors and sharing a little
BetterUp calls the habit of branching off from something the person said a "conversational side door": listen for a comment with a story behind it ("I just got back from a trip") and ask about it. Alternate between asking and sharing. If you only ask, the chat starts to feel like an interview; if you only talk, the other person has no room. Two sentences about yourself, then a question, is a comfortable rhythm.
If you run out of things to say, return to the last thing they mentioned, comment on something you can both see, or use the four families of the FORD method: Family, Occupation, Recreation and Dreams. We explain it in our guide to small talk topics. If you want to improve your listening, our article on active listening techniques has phrases you can borrow.
How to end the conversation kindly
A good ending is part of a good conversation. A few simple options:
- The warm exit: "It was really nice talking to you. I am going to grab a drink."
- The introduction exit: "I want to say hello to a friend over there. Would you like to come along?"
- The plan exit: "I have to get going, but I enjoyed this. Maybe we will bump into each other again."
If the other person does not seem to want to talk, a short "Enjoy the rest of your day" is enough. If you are joining a group and feel ignored, remember that it says little about you; move on and try someone else.
A one-week practice plan
You do not need a big event. Short, low-stakes conversations are the best training, and each one makes the next easier.
| Day | Exercise |
|---|---|
| 1 | Greet someone you usually pass in silence and add one remark about the shared place |
| 2 | Ask one open question while queuing or waiting |
| 3 | Ask one follow-up question to the answer you get |
| 4 | Ask someone for a recommendation (a coffee, a book, a route) |
| 5 | Introduce yourself by name to one new person at an event or class |
| 6 | Practice a warm exit after a two-minute chat |
| 7 | Write down which opener felt most natural and keep it as your favorite |
Some days will go badly, which is normal. Try the same exercise in another setting before you judge it.
What our book in Spanish adds
Our book on communication is written in Spanish: Lenguaje Corporal, Comunicación Persuasiva y Retórica by Mateo Nevarez, which roughly means "Body language, persuasive communication and rhetoric." There is no English edition, so it is for readers who read Spanish or are learning it. It is a broad handbook, not a book only about starting conversations: it also covers assertiveness, empathy, negotiation and public speaking.
For this topic, the useful part is the last chapter, which applies the skills to ten everyday situations, one of them small talk with strangers. It advises talking without a hidden agenda and opening with a remark about the place, curiosity about what the person is doing, a sincere compliment (preferably not about appearance) or a request for advice. A separate chapter on body language covers smiling, eye contact and distance, and the chapter on listening and empathy offers ideas for showing interest, such as not interrupting and respecting silences. Most chapters end with exercises you can do alone.
You will find more practical guides on the Books Go blog and our other titles on the Books Go Publications home page. If nerves are what hold you back, our guides to fear of public speaking and self-confidence exercises cover neighboring skills.
When to ask for support
Feeling nervous before talking to someone new is common. If the worry is strong enough that you avoid people, work or social situations, or it comes with intense anxiety, it is worth talking to a doctor or a mental health professional. A book is a good practice tool, but it is not a treatment. You can find support lines in many countries through the international directory Find a Helpline.
Questions about starting a conversation with a stranger
What is a good way to start a conversation with a stranger?
Notice something you share, make a short friendly remark and ask an open question. For example, "How do you know the host?" at a party or "Which session would you recommend?" at an event. The first line can be ordinary; the follow-up question does the real work.
How do I talk to strangers when I am shy?
Start with low-stakes moments, such as a short remark in a queue, and build slowly. Research on the liking gap suggests that shy people tend to underestimate how much others enjoy talking to them, so a mildly awkward start is usually less noticeable to the other person than it feels to you.
What do I say if I run out of things to talk about?
Go back to the last thing the person said, comment on what you both see, or ask for a recommendation. You can also use the FORD method: Family, Occupation, Recreation and Dreams. If the chat has run its course, a warm exit is a perfectly good ending.
How do I know if someone does not want to talk?
Look for several signs together: little eye contact, short answers, a body turned away or a step back. Any one of them alone can mean nothing. When the signs add up, say something kind and leave them in peace.
Is it okay to compliment a stranger?
A specific, sincere compliment about something they chose, such as a bag or a book, is an easy opener. Our book suggests avoiding comments on appearance, which can make people uncomfortable. Keep it short and follow it with a question.
How can I end a conversation without being rude?
Say something warm and give a simple reason: "It was nice talking to you. I am going to get a drink." A short, kind ending is better than letting the conversation fade awkwardly.
Sources
- Chicago Booth, "Mom was wrong: You should talk to strangers" (Epley and Schroeder, 2014)
- British Psychological Society, "The liking gap" (Boothby et al., 2018)
- Psychology Today, "9 Easy Ways to Start a Conversation with a Stranger" (Gotian, 2022)
- BetterUp, "How to start a conversation: 7 good ways to talk to strangers" (Perry, 2022)
- Association for Psychological Science, "Asking Questions Increases Likability" (Huang et al., 2017)
- Infobae, "Conversar sin miedo: claves para iniciar una charla con desconocidos" (2025, in Spanish)
- Le Temps, "Alors, quoi de neuf ?" (2013, in French)
